i'm going to get my feet tattood tomorrow. well, i made an appointment to get them done but i have no actual art and i haven't been able to get up to new hope in the past two weeks since making the appointment to talk to my artist about it, so.... i might be getting my feet tattood tomorrow.

i've been feeling a lot better emotionally lately, despite being crazy over jon dating a friend of ours. i did get to have a huge bitch session about him to jamie, a girl jon works with and is decently close with, so that made me feel a whole lot better. he might be going to dave and mike's dance party tonight, and if he does she'll be with him, and that bugs me still. why couldn't he date someone i didn't know? bonus points to jamie, who when she was told of jon and christine's new relationship she said to jon, "you are all inbred. you realize you're all just taking turns fucking each other, right?"

seriously, jamie is awesome. we went to the man man show together on tuesday and bonded in a way i haven't bonded with a female since... high school? its cute because she's pretty socially awkward too and we agreed we need to hang out and talk more but we both admitted to being uncomfortable calling the other.

trying not to get too hopeful, though, because when i make a connection with someone that means they can let me down and i've been let down enough recently.

my internet was down all day yesterday, and i was really pissed about it until i realized that i went down right after i had messaged pchan on msn. did i mention i installed msn on my computer just to talk to him? or how i always leave it signed on in hopes that he'll message me first, and never does? thank you comcast for killing my internet connection yesterday when i probably would have done somethign really stupid, like asking him to drive out to see me for the day, and had he said yes, i probably would have thrown myself at him and made a complete ass of myself.

all of this comes from dancing on friday night. i was drunk, he wasn't, so i made every attempt to not be crazy towards him. i also told this to lindsay, who was more drunk then me, and who also sat down next to a stone cold sober pchan and said "you should make out with meghan, she thinks you're the cats pajamas." thanks lindsay, and thanks also for saying how attractive you think he is and how awesome of a couple we would make, because that helps so much! i now have to either pretend i don't know she said it or play my hand, and yesterday morning i was ready to play my hand, so once again, thank you comcast.

dating drama aside, i feel awful. i found myself going over the details of what i'd have to do to clear myself of all monthly bills in order to quit my job, move home, pull my car off the road and hide in my mom's basement until this depression bullshit is past me. i think a good four people saw me cry at work today and i'm so ashamed of that. i also really want to move back to new jersey right away but i know that would be crazy and would not solve my problems at all, i'd just be running from them all dave dutton style. i just had two good days in jersey hanging out with old friends while i'm starting to seriously doubt the friendships i have here in pennsylvania. thankfully i have another seven months on my lease, as i'm in no frame of mind to make those kind of decisions right now.

i am, however, in the frame of mind to sit on my couch and watch sailormoon for the next six hours while drinking vodka and apple juice, which are the only two beveridges currently in my apartment.

i've been talking to this guy lately. he's a friend of nick waskie who started messaging me on myspace a few months ago after seeing me leave comments on waskie's blog. i think waskie had shown him uncle nagy's house at one point in time and that's what sparked his interest in me.

anyway, we talk on aim a decent amoutn now and i honestly don't know if i have any interest in him or not. our very first aim conversation i tried to sell him one of ccity's open box air conditioners because i'm brainwashed and want them out of my inventory. we also had a conversation about his mom being the ethnicity that my mom hold's accountable for a scar on her neck. the conversation we had yesterday was us listing everything we hate. dumb stuff. i think mostly i just like the attention.

i read the bell jar for the first time ever (seriously) a few weeks ago and it was probably a mistake. between being borderline depressed and now with this medical nonsense looming over my head i find myself related to esther greenwood in ways that only a fourteen year old goth would.

spent the entire weekend on my couch with the exception of my five hour shift sunday morning and a three hour baby shower on saturday. i actually had plans, too, a lot of them and i cancelled them all to sit on my couch and just mope. i think the worst part about all of this isn't even that i'm not sure why i feel this way but that i really don't have anyone i can confide in right now. everyone is wrapped up in thier own things so i've for the most part been keeping it in locked livejournal posts.

i almost start whining about everything to that dude the other day. i think his name is jim, i'm not sure.

this is where i realize just how absurdly high my expectations of my friends are. i want them to notice i haven't been around and haven't been keeping my plans. i want them to actively seek me out and make sure that i'm okay, but no one actually does that and i am ridiculous to want them to.


also, katie text messaged me the other day to tell me how sweet her boyfriend is for buying her two dozen roses for no occassion other than he loves her!!!! thank god no one actually calls in each other these days because it'd have taken more effort than i currently am capable of to bite my damn tongue.

i've been incredibly apathetic lately. i've been trying to make an effort to go out and do things, and for the most part i've been keeping decently busy, but i really have just been spending a lot of time by myself. my wo best girl friends, alayna and teena, i feel like i rarelly to ever see them at this point. in the fall and even much earlier this year i was almost constantly hanging out with at least one of them. also there was my cowroker tom i was spending a lot of time with several months ago sent me the most dramatic email in the world last night pretty much calling me an awful human being because i don't make an effort to hang out with him anymore. newsflash dude, i'm not making an effort for anyone right now (umm, except for pchan. i should probably throw that out there if i'm to be completely honest) and i just don't want to deal with anything.

hanging out with artie the other night was beyond awkward. i'd fallen into my typical lonely rut where i was starting to think "oh, why'd i ever leave____. will i ever meet someone who'll love me as much as he does?" which i know is complete bullshit. the only reason i am thinking this is because i'm lonely and its so much easier to look back on past relationships then it is to be optimistic about possible future ones. as embarrassed as i am to even admit that, having hung out with him i can safely say that i'm glad things didn't work out between artie and i. in the end his irritating traits just won out over his good qualities.

and that's a good portrait of my mentle state.

i have been putting some thought into going to school in the fall. nothing too major, probably the local community college and take either an english class, math class, or some interesting art class, or some combination of two of these. i'd really like to find something that interests me enough to persue for real, maybe even take some more serious classes at temple or soemthing. there are so many schools in the philly area that i'm sure if i find an actual interest one of them will specialize in it. i just need to find that interest. i can't express how jealous i am of both of you for knowing what you wanted to study and then doing it.

also, i need to leave my job. i need some kind of major change in my life right now and it wouldn't hurt if that major change included me making more money as well. $14.01 an hour just isn't cutting it anymore. i want to fix up my car and actually get it inspected this year (i last got it inspected in 2003!!), pay off all my outstanding debts, and yeah, get more tattoos and better fitting clothes and a new tv and a bunch of material bullshit as well. so let me break out that skelaton of a resume of mine again and see if i can't add some muscle to it.

oh yeah, i am in love with this album.